If I were German, I could easily invent a new word such as “großeüberwältigendeansammlungkompletterliterarischerscheiße” and no matter how ridiculous or difficult, it would be correct. English, alas, has no comparable idiosyncrasy.

I have therefore invented a new word: maxistercus. Combining the Latin prefix “maxi-” (which should need no explanation for anyone with more than a sixth-grade education) with the root “stercus” (meaning dung or faeces), I have devised a word which describes precisely what I mean to convey and which has the additional features of simple spelling, easy pronunciation, and the joy of sounding like you’re talking about a feminine hygiene product while in reality slipping foul language into polite conversation.

Behold:

max·i·ster·cus [mak-suh-stur-kuhs]
–noun, plural -ci or -cus·es
a very large and overwhelming collection of complete rubbish.
–adjective, maxistercal
of or relating to an overwhelming collection of that which is total crap.

I’ll be using this in casual exchanges for the next few days to see how it goes. In the meantime, enjoy this small sample from the maxistercus of Andria Kilgore:

Okay let’s just have a look and get it out of the way.

Its so amazing to see that all Elvin things they make are living and alive and magical, they don’t destroy something to build something dead, yet, if they have to occupy some space, they create an alternative for the environment where the Earth, and its creature live in harmony with the elves so well, that they exist without being noticed, amazing. If you look at an unusual large tree hard enough, you will probably see an elf lying on it, or it could be a doorway into an Elvin home and you can open the door by having certain thoughts on your mind, thoughts of love and touching the tree in a specific way.

“Deviant Depression” is zananeichan’s melancholy reflection on one of her suspensions from deviantART for repeated submission of adult material. Note the morose elf girls molesting the Fella plushie, and the screenshot of the suspension message on her userpage. This has evidently become a hobbyhorse for her lately, as she insists on her exemption from deviantART’s rules about marking nude submissions as mature because, apparently, not being able to show her tits to underage kids is “censorship”. From her journal:

Art is a value of Consciousness, its an Inspiration of Life, Science and Invention
Look at Da Vinci as an exmple.

Dear Flowers of the Universe
Ask Yourselves, “Am I free or am I in a prison?”
A mental prison without any walls.
A mental prison which inspires many wars.
A mental prison that is censorship.

For censorship causes misunderstanding,
For censorship hurts and causes pain.
From this pain, causes frustration.
From continuous censorship causes ignorance.

For ignorance, frustration, fear and pain, together or alone…
Causes anger, hate and lowers your consciousness.
Not for the better but for the worse.

I have found the answers which you seek.
I show them to you, but you never listen and think.
I forgive you as you do not understand.
I understand that you are stuck out of free thought because of fear.
You know what I am talking about.
You know very well to be free as long as you want to be.
But many will chain you to a wall of policy and fear.
Be calm for those who wait, I hope it wont be long.
Be patient as I am patient, don’t feed the system.
Pretend it does not exist even though you still burned.
Your consciousness is your water of life,
Never let it boil in the flames.

I have and give you, is forgiveness,
Words to help you understand and most of all Love.
Love is the River that never dries,
Love is the Tree that is forever growing and blossoming.
So is my Love for You if you understood.
It is the reply,
Please offer some understanding and compassion.
I Love You, and I Care.

Which I think means she should be allowed to expose herself to children because she was abducted by aliens. Or something. But don’t take my word for it: here’s the lady herself, telling us all about herself and her concerns about censorship:

Holy crap, somebody needs to set her up on a date with the werejohncandy.

Oh, Sonic, how we love thee. Part of the Triumvirate of Juvenile Retardation (which also includes Twilight and Pokemon), there’s something really special about the franchise which brings out the most idiotic thoughts ever contrived by man.

“How Sonic Got Shadow Pregnant”, a “one shot that i wrote some time ago in detention” by up-and-coming author and moron vnpflygirl, is a superb representative of this genre. The writer begins with a goal in mind (a male character, Shadow, is pregnant), and the dramatic tension is in the problem of how to achieve this end. The result is as entertaining as it is contrived.

Enjoy!

How Sonic Got Shadow Pregnant

(First off, I wrote this when I was in seventh or eighth grade so it’s been awhile. I wrote it in detention and it’s not my best work. It doesn’t end the way it should because I never ended it and I might never end it. It’s Sonic’s POV btw. Enjoy! Hopefully….)

I love Shadow.  I’m still laughing and purring from the night before, even as I’m changing the sheets.  You see, FlyGirl and Shadow got into an epic battle over a big piece of chocolate, cream cheese iced cake, Shadow won, couldn’t decide what he wanted more that night, me or the cake, so he ate it off of me.  He was right. We were going to have to change the sheets, anyway.  If the bed weren’t full of cum, I would have eaten every crumb of chocolaty goodness in our bed.  Even though I still had to change the sheets afterwards, the sex was completely worth it since the kids weren’t home.  Yes, I can understand you shock.  Shadow and I are both male you say.  Two guys can never make a bay you say. Well, here’s what I say: this kind of stuff only happens to me.  This won’t be the last time you hear me or Shadow say it since I picked that phrase up from him, that and it’s true.
I know this is off topic, but I’ve also picked up some of Shadow’s occasionally murderous attitude, and it could show up later in the story.
So, I’m assuming you want to know how I got the manlier hedgehog pregnant, right?  (I say manlier because of the chest fur, and even though we’re not fully guys due to our man-on-man-ness, (we both like sparkly stuff and certain girly items and flowers) he’s still a bit manlier than me.)  Well, you see, my brother and sister came from the palace by order of my mom the queen to take me and my lover (which they were so sure was a female) and marry us whether we like it or not, so Shadow and I had to come up with a plan to still be together and not get found out.  I assume you’re thinking that I used Amy as the “fake-female”, right?  As if.  Shadow and I immediately went to Tails and Brave and got them to create something that could change a guy into a girl.  (Of course, they couldn’t resist and added more to it such as guy and girl buttons to switch genders for either a girl or a guy, and animal change buttons to change the animal you are.  That only took an hour extra, and we didn’t use the animal change buttons.  Still I have to say, they’re WAY to smart to be real.)  Anyway, we turned Shadow into a girl.  He looked pretty hot as a girl too….  We called him Shoda and said “she” was Shadow’s sister.  So anyway, the night “Shoda” got pregnant, we had gotten really horny and ended up f******. XDDDD.  We got caught by Amy and Sonia told us we should have waited until after the wedding.  Then we became lesbians.  Lmfao XDDDDD.  I had to find out what it was like to have breasts and a pussy, so I got turned into a girl.  Once again, we ended up f******.  XDDDDD.  We got caught again.  Amy was all: “Holy Sh*t! I gotta tell Sonic! Sonic!!!!!!”  And Sonia was all: “Azura, I thought you were dating Shadow! Sonic!!!!! Shadow!!!!!” (As a girl, I went by Azura just to clear up any confusion).  She ran off screaming.  Then we got tired of being girls and became guys again.  As you can imagine, we f*****.  <33333.  We didn’t care that we both knew we’d get caught again, and the best part was their faces.  Classic.  They were all: “AHHHH!!!!!!!”  then they fainted.  Lmfao.  So worth it.  So that night was all: guy on girl, girl on girl, and guy on guy.  Too bad the next day we had a lot of explaining to do.  Then Shadow puked.  As you can imagine, the last thing I heard that day was, “Sonic, I’m pregnant….” And then I screamed and fainted.  On the bright side, we’re the only two guys on Mobius that got to get married and have a baby.  Two actually.  TWINS.  Also, now that I’ve realized I can have my friends baby-sit, everything’s been great.  We named our babies SJ (Shadow Jr.), and Static.  They both inherited the speed gene.  We both know that if we want another baby, all we have to do is have one of us change into a girl again.  Shadow said that I’d be the pregnant one.  He also said that the experience would be all mine.  Suddenly, the X Tornado crashed through the wall of the bedroom I was cleaning in.
“Hey, Tails! How was SJ and Static?”

(Sorry for leaving everyone hanging, but that’s all I wrote a long time ago, and I REFUSE to write more on it! It’d end up long and tedious. If you want to continue it, just ask me.)

There’s something about Twilight that inspires the worst sorts of writing. The going theory is that Stephenie Meyer herself is so bad a writer, that she’s single-handedly lowered the literacy of a generation. Without further ado, here is “in love with a vamp chapter 4″ by 1234twilight1234!

it was 3pm after cheer practice befor i realised that my twilight book was missing …so i went to the secretairtys office and asked her to make an anoucement tomoro…

i got in my car and derove to kaleys house to do are frenche homework. iwas fluent in it becus id ived in a frenche part of canada wen i was littile.

the home work touk 45 minutes  and we started gossiping about teachers and there subjescts.
wen i mensent me and alexander in the mathe compithision
she explowded

“omg ur working withe alexander!”

“yeah and?”
“and he is the most poulor boy in school!’
“and?”
“and ur the most popular girl in scool”
“and i reapeet AND?”
“you tow woud be perfecte together”
“not going to hapen.”
“why?”
“im not his type”

but my mnd replayed the coversation we had and maybe i was i toled it tyo sut up and changed the subject.

“ky i have to get home  see you tomoro bye!”
“Ok bye jez!”
as idrove home i lisend to you belong with me by taylor swift over and over and put alexander out of my mind for the rerst of the day.

The author, an 18-year-old Canadian, mangles the English language to such a point one must suspect brain damage. This is truly a fine addition to any library of illiterature, and we hope to see more from this promising young author!

TEAM EDWARD, BITCH

In other news, Nathan aka Jimmy aka DrMusic2-1 continues to be a delusional bore. Let’s all wish him the best in his homosexual sheep-fucking. God knows he needs the luck: there’s no sheep in all of New Zealand who’d have him willingly.

Until next time, write horribly, kind gentlemen.

Among their claims is the improbable idea that werejohncandies cannot die, or even get sick or age. But let’s focus on the dying.

I call bullshit. If it lives, it can die. If it moves, it can be stopped. It’s a moron in a furry suit, not the fucking Juggernaut, bitch. Let’s examine, as a public service, the top five most popular ways to kill a werejohncandy.

1. Shoot it with a silverjohncandybullet. This is the most common way to dispose of the creatures, probably due to the ease with which it can be said. “Hey, pass me the silverjohncandybullets so I can shoot this werejohncandy here.” See, it rolls right off the tongue.
2. Burn it with magicjohncandyfire. Let’s face it, anything dying in a fire is both awesome and hilarious. The screams, the smoke, the stench, all of it is supremely rewarding. DIAF!
3. Drive a consecratedjohncandystake through its heart. Don’t worry about the blood: that’s just ketchup. Werejohncandies don’t bleed, except during its time of the month. Get it? THEY’RE DUDES WITH VAGINAS HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA. Yeah.
4. Expose it to righteousjohncandysunlightofburning. The result is similar to burning it with magicwerejohncandyfire, but it’s more fun to say and you’ll save on matches. Just place it outside on a lovely summer’s day, watch it burst into flames, and tell people it’s “photosynthesizing”.
5. Recruit Anthony Hopkins into the Sacred Brotherhood of Werejohncandy Slayers. This is possibly the most rewarding, given the difficulty of the task and the awesomeness of his accent. Be sure to have holy armour ready for his use, and tell him “it’s just like Silence of the Lambs, only real and way more badass”.

Remember: the werejohncandy is not a monster, but must be put down like one. To victory!